I liked this blog posting by James "Kibo" Parry...read on, wk.
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: razors with vestigial organs
Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 18:23:08 -0400
Gillette pushed its "Mach 3" three-bladed razor at men who needed
to scrape their face with a miniature Venetian blind.
Then Schick started sell a four-bladed "Quattro".
Not to be out-done in this abstract corporate dick-size war,
Gillette unveiled "Fusion", a razor with five blades.
You know, the first blade shaves close, the second blade shaves closer,
the third blade slices your face off, the fourth blade penetrates the
Earth's crust, and the fifth blade crushes the entire Universe into
a black hole.
Or, maybe, the first blade shaves normally, and then the
others don't do anything except scrape against your just-shaved skin
for extra irritation.
Science cannot answer this question of whether
paying for extra, useless blades may have a purpose!
[www.boston.com -- the Boston Globe]
->
-> [...]
->
-> ''Is it really going to be a better shave? I don't know.
-> It seems incrementally better," said William B. Chappell,
-> an analyst with SunTrust Robinson Humphrey. ''But Gillette
-> will market it like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread."
But sliced bread sucks! Only bread that's been sliced five times
is worth buying!
-> [...]
->
-> An enhanced lubricating strip, infused with Vitamin E and aloe,
-> fades from green to white when it's time to replace the blades.
This is expected to appeal to any consumers who already bought
the "TELL ME WHAT TO BUY AND THEN TELL ME HOW OFTEN TO THROW IT
AWAY AND BUY IT AGAIN" t-shirt.
-> ''Facial hair is not a concept Gillette usually mentions at
-> an event like this," Kilts said yesterday. ''But today, about
-> 50 percent of men sport some form of facial hair -- whether
-> it's moustaches, goatees, chin straps, or soul patches. And
-> there's no easy way to shape or trim it. That is, until now."
"You are becoming stupid, very stupid. You will forget that all
other razors, scissors, and men's grooming aids exist. You will
believe that until now, the only way to cut facial hair was
to slam your face in the car door and have your wife rip the
hair out by flooring the gas pedal in a sexy, sexy shoe."
-> [...] Gillette's new five-blade system arrives about a
-> year and a half after satire newspaper, The Onion, predicted
-> that Kilts would demand a five-blade razor after Schick
-> one-upped the Boston-based company with a four-blade invention.
...thus proving that satire is always ahead of reality, and
good satire such as "Saturday Night Live" and the original
National Lampoon is way ahead of The Onion.
So "Saturday Night Live" predicted "The Gillette Triple-Trac"
in the late 1970s, and in the early 1980s National Lampoon predicted
a razor with a large but unspecified number of blades ("the 12th
blade quotes Keats...") and the Onion predicted a five-blader.
Well, I hereby call dibs on making fun of the forthcoming six-bladed,
seven-bladed, eight-bladed, nine-bladed, and ten-bladed razors
from Schick and Gillette so that I can also be mentioned in
newspapers as having proven my awesome skills of EXTRAPOLATED OBVIOUSNESS
WITH REGARDS TO STUPIDITY. To formalize it:
Someday someone might sell a six-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid.
Someday someone might sell a seven-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid.
Someday someone might sell an eight-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid.
Someday someone might sell a nine-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid.
Someday someone might sell a ten-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid.
Oh, and:
Someday someone might sell re-sliced bread. Wow, that would be stupid.
There. I WIN!!!
-- K.
